"The
Perils of Nonverbal Communication,"
Date: Wednesday 11:21 pm
by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
I ran to answer the phone the other day.
The colleague on
the other line introduced herself and then explained she was
interested in affiliating with me on an idea which she
proceeded to explain.
I listened with interest, interjecting
some comments.
Suddenly she stopped and said, "Is
something wrong? It
sounds like you don't like this idea."
"I just stepped in fire ants,"
I said. "If I sound short,
you're right, but it's not about what you're saying."
This is an example of one of the perils
of reading nonverbal
communication. Obviously this woman was very good at it,
even over the phone. She detected a correct emotion in me.
"Is something wrong?" is as good a way as any to put it.
Fire ant bites hurt a lot for a long time if you haven't had
the experience. Some people can go into anaphylactic shock
and die from them (like bee stings), and this physiological
chaos was going on in me, though to a lesser degree.
What did she hear? I was short of breath,
impatient,
talking in a terse tone of voice, using short words and
sentences. My heart was racing, my nerves were on edge,
and I really wanted to hang up the phone and get back to the
cortisone cream - or go beat my head against a wall.
Picking up the emotion is the first step.
The second step
is figuring out what's causing it and what it's directed at.
Of course one can always ask, as she did.
One place where this comes up is in depositions.
Two very
different sorts of people can appear to have the same
emotional response - the person who is lying and guilty, and
the honest person who is afraid of being accused wrongly.
There are many of the same nonverbal signs.
Shutting down,
giving terse replies, looking anxious, poor eye contact.
Of course a sociopath doesn't exhibit these
traits; they are
accomplished liars who have a smooth approach and can fool
even experts. But among many liars you will see telltale
signs.
When studying nonverbal communication in
graduate school, we were assigned to go observe a trial in process.
In the one
I watched, while being cross-examined, the accused had been
sitting quite still in one position for a long time. Then
when a certain question was asked, he shifted his entire
body position in one dramatic movement. It was clear
"something had happened." It's up to the rest of us to
figure out "what".
So check it out if you aren't sure. Otherwise
you might
miss the shy person who's anxious in general but really
would like to date you. Or the innocent employee who feels
intimidated to be cross-examined because he's so basically
honest. Or the empathic person who shakes her head "no"
(side to side) at what you're saying, because in her culture
that's an expression of awe. Or the boss who's furious
because he just had a fight with his wife, and is not
furious with you.
Sensing the emotion is the first step,
but don't be certain
you know what it means until you check it out. If it's
important, take the next step and make the inquiry.
©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence
Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc
. Coaching individuals in EQ,
career, transition, relationships and personal and
professional development. She is the author of "Nonverbal
Communication: The EQ Way."
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